I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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