Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he was CRYING into my vagina
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
