Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish I only lived at night.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
