Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
