I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
