There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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