I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
