if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
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