I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
