This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
