I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
