how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
