What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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