just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I didn't notice because vodka
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
