Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
