I met the friendliest cop last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
