i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
