My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
