So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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