I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
