Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
