he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
