I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
