I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
