I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
