Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
