i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
