WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
