You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
