tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
