I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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