Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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