Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
