Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
