just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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