Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
