HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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