the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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