why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
