it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
