my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
