Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
