I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
