i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
