thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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