Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
