You just made me feel so damn special
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
