to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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