he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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