As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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